Mmm…homemade bread The smell wafts through the entire house as it bakes, making stomachs growl. Looks good, doesn’t it?
Except…not. This was the worst loaf of bread in the history of bad loaves of bread. It weighs as much as a small child and tastes like paper mache.
Of course, it kind of IS paper mache. See, in my quest to avoid foods filled with high fructose corn syrup, which is in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. from the obvious (soda pop and candy) to the not so obvious (bread and crackers) I’ve decided to start making my own bread.
Unfortunately, I decided to start when my pantry was low on ingredients. I didn’t have quite enough flour, no sugar, no milk, and very little butter. Rather than go out in the cold and brave the icy roads to go and buy these necessary ingredients, I found a recipe that none of these were needed. My recipe called for yeast, flour, and water. Mmmm.
What was I thinking? I mean, I know how these three ingredients taste. I know how they taste combined. Why did I think that any amount of kneading, rising, and baking would change this bland, tasteless dough into a tasty bread? Because it didn’t.
At least it was cheap entertainment for Wesley. He was suitably impressed when I floured the table and dropped the sticky mass into the flour.
“Mama make a mess?” he asked dubiously.
Yes, indeed. Since I didn’t have enough flour, the dough was incredibly sticky and worked it’s way into every crevice on the table. No amount of kneading was turning it into the ‘smooth elastic dough’ the book described. So I tossed it in the pan anyway.
When the bread was done, it actually looked like bread. Wesley pointed at it and repeated, “Mama make a mess?” He took the small slice I cut off for him and ate it.
“Yucky bread!” he announced. I sighed. My child is the pickiest eater in the entire world. Come on, kid, it’s homemade bread! I took a bite and –
“Blech! Yucky bread!” I exclaimed.
My fabulous husband Ryan, who does most of the cooking in our house, tried to rescue it by making it garlic bread to go along with our roast chicken. The chicken was amazing. The bread, not so much.
Lesson learned: next time, get off your lazy butt and get to the store!
So the birdies had a feast this morning. Although I think I heard one of them chirping, “Yucky bread! Yucky bread!”